.crushed.

memories within.
; October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006

Saturday, January 28, 2006

- inferior -

was celebrating wendy's bday yest. watched Fun with Dick And Jane. quite a nice show but i nv find myself laughing at all. perhaps except for the part where jim carrey became the robber and speak to the guy with a voice thats not his. even den, everyone was laughing loudly but not me. jus a light laugh and my face is back to normal. cant find myself laughing.
wad's inside me now. i dunno. sadness. regrets. wad's all this about? aint i suppose to be happily celebrating a fren's bday? feels like drinking but i know my stomach cant take it. im jus as good as rubbish. i know that. u dun haf to tell me. since young till now, i've either been used, or i've been bullied. some ppl likes the kind of good guy where they r kind, not vulgar, not rough, gentlemanly. i dare not say i am when i was young, but i tot i could be one in the future. but things changed me. i met bullies, ppl who used me. i had to grow. to protect myself. i dun wanna be used. who could tolerate someone using him? if it was u, u wun be able to take it either. thus the me now. but the me now, isnt wad everyone likes. cos im vulgar. loud. ah beng. but is this all about me? doesnt people have nicer comments? jus because i portray myself this way, does this mean im like that? i hate to admit it. but yes. ppl think im lydat.
im so gutted. its really hard to find someone whom u can trust. dun even mention someone who understands u. yea. thats wad im lacking right now. i nid someone who can understand me. who can trust me. the only place i feel at home, other than my real home, is the soccer pitch. where i find the players i play with often, ppl like stan, are those that understands me. relate soccer to my life, its almost similar. place me with people like stan who understands wad i wan, the type of ball i ask for, i can win the game for them. the confidence i display on the pitch/court, is so much different from the me in public. its the same. put me in teams that have players i dun understand or vice versa, i cant do well. because they cant gimme the kind of ball i wan. i only haf to struggle on my own.
in life, i nid ppl who can understand me and trust me. so i could get confidence from those people. the confidence i wan, is those i haf on the court. i cant get it. inferiority. i hate it. even my family sometimes think they dun understand me. im beginning to wonder. issit because im so hard to understand or because ppl jus dun wanna understand me. forever neglected by certain ppl i hope wun neglect me.
with each passing day, i find myself sinking deeper into a dark hole. without ppl who understands me, i really wonder what am i doing things for? i haf no one to prove to. its pointless.......

lost ;
11:05 PM

Friday, January 27, 2006

sense of relieve

finally. use another method to deal with my problems encountered in my assignment. and also completed the book im writing. cancelled the 2nd lesson of the final theory lesson becos i wanna play soccer. ahhaha. refunded though. thought i had to pay still. cos they said 24 hrs b4 lesson. -.-"! hmm. ok la. i gotta go. do GEMS project b4 i head to BBDC for my lesson. haha. bb

lost ;
11:57 AM

Thursday, January 26, 2006

wad shld i say?

stress is a word which scares everyone.
tired is a word for people to use to slack.
im so stress and tired now -.-"!
encountered some problems in my assignment. due on 6 feb. look at the date now. i think i've only completed till 30-40% ? my god. working tonite. no mood to work but got no choice. got driving lessons tml and its really draining my energy bit by bit. not that i dun wish to. but becos its really tiring for me this few days. i jus nid a few days off and the CNY jus doesnt come at a better time. but the thing is, we still have to rush assignments during CNY which is a headache for me.
anyway, bought a new total90 shoe for my new year. the one same as javan. silver and white combination. but i guess i'll use it to play soccer as well. its gonna pain my heart if i see scratches but that is to be expected becos of the material. =/ no choice. wanna wear it and play soccer with it as well. wanted the other dark coloured as well but if i buy 2, sure kena scolded by parents -.-"!
ok. this entry abit long. cos i jus finished a game of DOTA. HAHA ! lolz. k la. going for another game. blog again tonite i guess. =)

- off to dota ~~~ -

lost ;
2:19 PM

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

wad is r-e-g-r-e-t

been thinking alot this few days. and i admit its alot. no doubt. still thinking what my life would be if i had left her life earlier.
still thinking if i'd be able to make her happy if i had insisted on staying.
do i have regrets in me?
in the past, yes. i hated myself for not being able to come to a decision.
now. things changed. i dun wanna regret again. might not be able to see her again. wad if i really cant? simple to say, i'll miss her at most. but is that wad i really wan? i dun wan her cold shoulders.
i seriously gave this qns a thought : "if i'm gonna jus give up like this beacuse of my stupid reasons, will i regret?"
my ans is clear. i know it very well. but so many other factors are affecting me as well. thats why im at a lost. i hate to be lost.

i really dun wanna regret again. i've already regretted so many times in my 18years on earth. back to assignments. hope i wun regret submitting my assignments late. another regret. =/
- off to work -

lost ;
10:40 AM

Monday, January 23, 2006

boredddddd

jus a boring day.
wan her to light up my life.
but where is she?
busy lor.
where else. =/
haha. jus nothing to do. bahhhhhh
- back to work -

lost ;
5:45 PM

whacked

hmm. jus decided to post b4 i go slp? busy nite on sat. worked sort of non stop with my cough ( which is also non stop ) -.-"! darn man. anyway. b4 this, fri, i passed my evaluation. booked my theory test alr. yea man~
jus came back from dayong's place. yea. pool lost to man u. aint gonna comment on that. we're jus disappointing. this morning played soccer. i got whacked in the eye by xinlong's foot. contact was minimal but was enuff to make my eye "cry" non stop. recovered but feel kinda swelling. but not so serious. wasnt obvious. den went to town and bought a shirt. played pool with ken and joel den headed home b4 slacking for awhile and den going to dayong's place. now here i am back home. gonna slp soon. aint got mood for anything. we're jus whacked. whether its me, or pool, its the same. whacked.

- off to slp -

lost ;
3:12 AM

Thursday, January 19, 2006

a sudden urge

woot. a sudden urge to try and test myself on typing. haha. am trying to see how long do i take to finish typing an entry. but of cos it depends on what i type also. jus now i type so fast and the feeling is really good especially when u dun even look at the keyboard and can still type so fast without error. haha. love typing so much >.<
am doing 2 assignments at a time. woot. multitasking if u would like to call it. got a Game Design Document to hand in later on and my mates had jus given me their part. And now it's left with me to combine everything together b4 handing it up later on. but also rushing gdev becos that assignment is so hard!
gotta cre8 a 3d game with direct 3d. i only know how to play those games! but ure asking me to cre8 now =/ my god..
jus did smth stupid yest. haha. still laughing at myself now and i still cant believe it man. darn -.-"! anyway, tml's my theory practice le. finished the BTL book and half way thru with the FTL book. hope i can pass my evaluation and proceed on with the theory test asap. guess im gonna be very busy for this few coming weeks. cos i think my schedule will really be packed with work, studies, assignments and also driving lessons. time to train myself up ya? make myself fitter in order to survive this few weeks. wahaha.
im gonna go back to prac lessons le. =P be back again
- runs off -

lost ;
12:21 PM

means of seeing u

so yea, here i am again. missing her. duh! been sneezing since this morning till now. omg. cant tahan man. anyway, discovered that the time isnt accurate lo. my bloggie gives a wrong time. tmd. nxt time i'll end up with a date and a time b4 i sign out of my bloggie. =/
anyway, yea as usual, misses her. my only means of seeing her, is the screenshot i took. (sorry i took it without ur permission). took it from a convy with jeanjean. nvm abt that. tml gotta hand in assignment (GDD) . gotta rush the report. darn. jus feeling bored so came here to blog. gtg back to work and study for theory at the same time. o.O

- gone - 12.45am thurs 19 jan 2006

lost ;
12:37 AM

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

i miss u

worked yest nite. finished work at 11+ ? after all the MINDEF ppl go le, we all at3rd floor party. blast music, drink, smoke while we clear the mess. haha. so fun. dancing ard like a mad guy. finished a can of heineken offered by alan b4 i ate anything. so as usual, gastric acted up? cos i din eat b4 i work. =x now im wondering. if she'll actually scold me for this? i miss her so much. smsed her but was kinda late. she was aslp by then. hmm. den slacked at bg till ard 12++. i reached home at 1.05am? around there. shld be la.
took cab home with reena, ken and hy. online for awhile b4 i went to slp. woke up late this morning. =/ had to make sp wait for me. so sorry. that's always the case ya? =X nvm i'll try to be earlier than u next time =X
now at IAD prac. going to meet joel den ken for our driving theory lessons. now den i find out joel only book one lesson whereas me and ken booked 2. my god. sian half. den im gonna chiong for my licence whereas ken will take it slowly. cos partly he gotta rush alot of assignments and also partly he's got to wait for his next pay b4 he can continue. sad.
aint feeling well today. slept at prac lesson which i usually dun. feeling feverish for a few days. think im "overheated". =/ and my gastric, forever nv ending. tmd.
girl. i miss u.
gotta go back to prac lessons. gonna stop slacking le. haha. bb.
- o.O - O.o -

lost ;
2:12 PM

Monday, January 16, 2006

feeling feverish

had lunch with our tutor at west coast recreation centre jus now. my bag kena "rose syrup" and now it stinks. =/ but its alrite la. not really obvious anyway. gonna work in house function later. sian half. kinda tired.
still in sch now. kena targetted by my lecturer. thats wad i feel la. so finding it abit hard to find reasons to leave half hr earlier cos i haf to go back restaurant earlier to help with the setting up.
anyway, im not really doing anything now so.. i feel no pt staying on also.
nvm abt that. bored bored bored. tml going theory lessons. woohoo. so excited. so looking forward to it. and i haf to leave dora's class earlier tml. omg. scared she scold me lo. =/
well. got new songs from stan. finally smth diff to ring in my ears. been listening to the same few songs. sian half. haha.
got myself an Addidas deodorant yest. recommended by stan. hmm. smells not bad. haha. at least now i smell nicer when i go out. so pls dun say i stink. ty -.-"!
ok la. gotta go back work le. bbbbbbbbbbbbb =(

lost ;
4:45 PM

im freaking stress

im freaking stress now FULL STOP
i nid a break. A REAL GOOD BREAK.
can i jus stay at home 24/7 to slp?
no i cant.
can i jus slack and do nothing?
no i cant.
freaking stress ar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=(
*shouts!!!!

ok. back to work. back to stress.

lost ;
12:25 AM

Sunday, January 15, 2006

the next obstacle

finally i reg for driving liao. tmd wait for kenneth wait till sian. lol. b4 reg was worried that i wun get past the colour test but i did. woohoo. shiok la. wahaha. now gonna chiong the theory and prac lessons and get my PDL asap. after which i'll chiong circuit test? and book TP! cos the earliest now is end of april and i think by the time i get my PDL, it'd be may or june? omg. i dun wanna get my license at that time! i wanna drive earlier! drive drive drive. im so mad abt it. wahahaha.
haf to redo assignments. not exactly redo but improve on it. seriously, this sem is the worse sem im in. not becos of the stressfulness but becos of my slacking attitude. nothing seems to interest me nowadays. except for work, money and driving. other than that, no other motivations to do things. unless u ask me go chiong! =X
aiz. but no money nowadays. spent on new yr clothes and also the driving lessons. there goes all my pay man. darn.
hoho. anyway, this time round, im serious. guys. if u ever hear me scolding vulgarities, pls remind me that i ever said smth like this --> "i'll stop scolding vulgarities for her sake"
im serious. i wanna chg for her. too perfect for me but its ok. cos i'll make myself perfect for her. =)
time to slp le. later soccer 9.30am. 5 hrs more of slp. =/ sad. nites everyone.
- i wanna see her in my dreams -

lost ;
4:15 AM

Thursday, January 12, 2006

flunked; nv felt like this for some time

jus got interviewed by Mr Hubertus. regarding my GDEV assignment. i was the 1st person because my cd was on top -.-. yea as usual, i flunk. not really that bad but teacher was lenient enuff. guess its time to pull up my socks.
nv felt like my sky is dark for some time. S.H.E's Tian Hui couldn't have come at a better time. love this song so much. esp the 1st sentence. direct translation = My Sky Today Is Abit Grey/Dark. nowadays keep raining, no wonder my sky is so dark. =(
ok unrelated topic. gonna get myself smth to eat in case my gastric acts up again. working D tonite. but still aint feeling well. may ask to sign out early tonite.
tml going to reg for driving with ken and joel probably. lets hope i get it thru. am so afraid my colour thingy will pull me out of it. i really wanna drive =(
hmm.. as for yest, i went to JP after class to buy some stuffs with sp, momo and jolyn. ended up shopping and got myself a shirt and 2 tees and it costs me 100 bucks. + my concession and my total expenditure for this few days is 200++ ? my pay is only 282 lor. my god. pock pock pock.
must really learn how to save. somebody teach me how how how?!?!
go get food munch. - foodcourt 6 -

lost ;
11:05 AM

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

im feeling terrible

im feeling so miserable now. cant really describe it now.

lost ;
10:07 PM

they've matured

went to marina square for S.H.E's auto session. hmm. it's been some time since i went to such sessions. really feel rusty sia. it started at around 7.30pm? and i got mine at around 8.30pm. thx to cc and cindy's help ya? dun say im ungrateful.. -.-"!
i notice smth abt S.H.E. everyone seem to mature alot. selina becomes more matured looking rather than those sweet looks she had when they jus release their 1st album. hebe was even impressive. the way she look up when she finished signing each lyrics book to shake the fans' hands, her eyes was jus pure attractive. she's become alot more... sexy. yea mayb ppl will say i like hebe so bias. but mayb u shld try it urself? the attraction is jus there. while selina is jus good looking. still has some of her sweet looks there and u jus get those kind of sweet feelings while looking at her. but hebe is purely attraction. i was so smitten with her at the moment she looked up at me and smiled. shook her hands for not more than a sec though. =/ ella as usual, the bubbly and active her. its her that makes S.H.E so lively ya? because sometimes u see hebe is so quiet and only ella is the one making the group look lively. i must say its really a good combination. for the group.
den went partyworld in town with hongyu, joel, jean, lilian and later elaine joined us. we went back at 5+ and i slept at around 6am. jus woke up yet im still so ... cannot 4get hebe's smile towards all the fans. she's really matured. attractive. and sexy. all the best S.H.E !!
think im jus gonna slack. not getting enuff slp ya? not pig though =/
-resting time-

lost ;
4:48 PM

Monday, January 09, 2006

new term

tml's the start of sch. had a 3 week break. kinda a long break and im gonna struggle again. =/ tml's class starts at 8am. thats early u know? =/ fears i might not be able to get up on time. and this module's teacher is damn strict. later than 10mins will be considered absent. zzz. hmmm.. think i gotta go slp soon le. if not tml late again. -.-"! ok ok . i know im a natural pig. but got no choice man. =/
tml going for s.h.e auto session. hope it wun rain. darn. if it rains, im gonna be dead. real dead =/
ok la. im off - time for bed - swt dreams everyone. *lights off

lost ;
12:59 AM

Sunday, January 08, 2006

craps??

this few days saw me working in bg and playing mahjong. really nth else. went to javan's chalet jus now with stan and co. crapped around and played the hai dai quan. the one where Show Luo always play de. haha. crap~ but its so funny. dun feel well though. ate quite little. den went to dayong hse to watch pool. wad a game. shall not emphasize on that. cos im gonna slp now!
in another 4 hrs or so, i'll be without slp for 48 hrs. =/ omg. yest played mahjong overnite and worked L today. den went home to pack and headed for javan's chalet. haha. so happening. lol. alrite. nth much happened. hmmm.
am so sorry. for giving u pressure. haha. really din meant for things to turn out this way. =/ the feeling i got frm u is that u r doubting my feelings for u. but all i can say is that, the feelings are true and i think alot b4 i made this move.
hmmm. that's a msg for her. =) im tired. seriously. though i hope to make it 48hrs without slp. but i think i cant. =/ 44hrs without slp den. kl rox! =X lmao.
-off to slp-

lost ;
6:39 AM

Monday, January 02, 2006

do it my way.

currently doing IAD's assignment of creating a tic tac toe in web pages. so easy to play the game but so hard to code the game. -.-"! might be watching soccer later. not really sure yet. depending on how far i go for my assignment. -.-"!
so afraid now. being unable to submit assignments on time is such a scary matter. sometimes really wanna do it my way man. darn. argh. so stressed out now ! dammit.
think i'll struggle man. zzz
no mood. -gone-

lost ;
9:31 PM

Sunday, January 01, 2006

a new year, a new start.

1st of all, happy new year to all. its a brand new year 2006. din go anywhere to countdown. jus spend it at yong's hse watching soccer. hahaha. mayb that's the best present i could get for new year from liverpool. they won 1-0 against west brom and perhaps the scoreline do not seem to suggest liverpool's form. but wad matters most was the consecutive 10th win for us. crouch the hero once again. den played a few games of winning eleven at yong's hse with amos and yong. ahaha. the rest din play. -.- den went back home at ard 3+? and jus slacked ard online till 4+ b4 i went to bed.
woke up late this morning for soccer and when i reached there, it was 10am? ard there. nothing much. usual sunday routine. play, eat den go home. sL and joel took my sis out to jp now. will be joining them later? hmmm. they're watching movie. wonder wad movie they're watching.
hmmm. well like i mentioned earlier, its a new year. so a brand new start for everyone. wish u guys all the best in 2006. now de me, mad abt clubbing? haha. but no money liao. sad. gotta wait for pay. den reg for driving 1st. b4 i can go chiong with the remaining pay. lolz.
k la. i'll go take a short nap b4 i join sL and co at JP.
- orH orH koOnZzzZ -

lost ;
5:13 PM