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Saturday, January 28, 2006
- inferior -
was celebrating wendy's bday yest. watched Fun with Dick And Jane. quite a nice show but i nv find myself laughing at all. perhaps except for the part where jim carrey became the robber and speak to the guy with a voice thats not his. even den, everyone was laughing loudly but not me. jus a light laugh and my face is back to normal. cant find myself laughing.
wad's inside me now. i dunno. sadness. regrets. wad's all this about? aint i suppose to be happily celebrating a fren's bday? feels like drinking but i know my stomach cant take it. im jus as good as rubbish. i know that. u dun haf to tell me. since young till now, i've either been used, or i've been bullied. some ppl likes the kind of good guy where they r kind, not vulgar, not rough, gentlemanly. i dare not say i am when i was young, but i tot i could be one in the future. but things changed me. i met bullies, ppl who used me. i had to grow. to protect myself. i dun wanna be used. who could tolerate someone using him? if it was u, u wun be able to take it either. thus the me now. but the me now, isnt wad everyone likes. cos im vulgar. loud. ah beng. but is this all about me? doesnt people have nicer comments? jus because i portray myself this way, does this mean im like that? i hate to admit it. but yes. ppl think im lydat.
im so gutted. its really hard to find someone whom u can trust. dun even mention someone who understands u. yea. thats wad im lacking right now. i nid someone who can understand me. who can trust me. the only place i feel at home, other than my real home, is the soccer pitch. where i find the players i play with often, ppl like stan, are those that understands me. relate soccer to my life, its almost similar. place me with people like stan who understands wad i wan, the type of ball i ask for, i can win the game for them. the confidence i display on the pitch/court, is so much different from the me in public. its the same. put me in teams that have players i dun understand or vice versa, i cant do well. because they cant gimme the kind of ball i wan. i only haf to struggle on my own.
in life, i nid ppl who can understand me and trust me. so i could get confidence from those people. the confidence i wan, is those i haf on the court. i cant get it. inferiority. i hate it. even my family sometimes think they dun understand me. im beginning to wonder. issit because im so hard to understand or because ppl jus dun wanna understand me. forever neglected by certain ppl i hope wun neglect me.
with each passing day, i find myself sinking deeper into a dark hole. without ppl who understands me, i really wonder what am i doing things for? i haf no one to prove to. its pointless.......
lost ;
11:05 PM
