.crushed.

memories within.
; October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006

Thursday, April 27, 2006

wonder, ponder

wonderin if certain things will still go my way. pondering abt qns that still fills my head. am gonna miss the checkup today. meeting Mr Hubertus for project stuffs. maybe i'll jus go check on my chest other time. when it hurts more lo =X miss the chance to see her le =/
anyway, am gonna go for one full body checkup when im going in NS. so no pt wasting money going for one now since my enlistment day is like less than a year later.
working tonite. and gonna rush home for the repeat telecast of dream chasers.
ciao.

lost ;
9:57 AM

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

century post.

din expect my century post to be a "bad" one. dunno why. stomach suddenly hurt badly when i was having lunch. joel is evil. asshole. we went back to lab and he sat beside me. he offered to buy 'bao ji wan' for me. den i say faster go. he said "i was jus joking". wtf?!?!?! evil joel. ass.
ok la. now feeling better. but there's still pain. later 2.30 go home eat 'baoji wan' le. now got class. ciao 1st.

lost ;
12:13 PM

looking back.

jus seen smth i hope ive not seen. jus looking back at the past. thoughts running thru this already aching head. guess i'll give arsenal's match a miss. or i'll try to get up at 2.30 bah.
as i look at the thing we haf, i jus couldnt stop thinking abt u. and its right in front of the lecturer! =/
guess ure gonna say me for not paying attention in class yea? =/ ok ok. im gonna try and concentrate more in future. time for some rest. gd nites.

lost ;
1:03 AM

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

sry

im still awake. sry for telling u im going to slp. not that i really wanna slp. jus that i dun wanna hear things abt him perhaps. but now i think i haf to go to slp. really cant take it anymore. gd nite.

lost ;
12:41 AM

Sunday, April 23, 2006

i think i finally realise wad's wrong with me

the title says it all.

lost ;
11:08 PM

Saturday, April 22, 2006

feel so out. so alone. so pain. so hurt.

alone. pain. hurt. sad.
why does the pain keep coming when i wanna slp. why do i insist on seeing her when i myself cant even get out of the hse. why do i feel like im no longer me.
because the ans is simple. i love her. till i lost myself. nvm abt the chest pain that im suffering. its her that i wanna see. wanna be with. naive thinking. i despise myself. i look down on myself. i HATE myself. so much so that i feel like disappearing from here.
her attitude towards me changed. i dunno wad caused it. maybe i do know. or maybe i dont at all. or maybe im jus sensitive.
predicting its gonna be busy during FYP period. am considering to do a check up on my body condition. it seems that its getting worse day by day. but everything's got to be done alone. called elaine up jus now to check abt pricing and all. she offered to go with me. but i was so much hoping that u'd be the one going with me. nvm abt that.
i jus feel so alone without u. so hurt by ur words. ur attitude. so pain by the chest. and so sad that everything mentioned is happening to me.
wondering if its a gd thing to let u know all that happened. or better not. becos i dun wan u to think that im seeking ur attention. thats one thing i nv wan it to happen.
think i'll try and get some slp. tml's working lunch shift. hope i wun black out like i nearly did in the train this morning.

lost ;
1:00 AM

Friday, April 21, 2006

back.

F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lost ;
9:30 PM

94th post.

im starting to lose the title inspirations.

lost ;
1:29 PM

93rd post.

im not gonna crave for any attention anymore. a loner i shall be. im used to suffering on my own anyway. doesnt make a diff. why shld i always try to grab attention by disclosing that im suffering from chest pains and gastric pains? i jus feel that im grabbing attention. =/ dunno why i feel this way. maybe im drunk. o.O
whatever the case, i miss her. and i'll jus call her with the reason "i jus feel like hearing your voice" instead of trying to say "im having chest pains again".
loads of stuffs in my heart and mind. try to say out another time. drink drink drink. cheers.

lost ;
12:21 AM

Thursday, April 20, 2006

i missed it. =(

a chest attack and a missed chance to see smth i'd really love to see. 20/4.
jap : oh ya su mi na sai.
eh. broken jap language. lol. it means gd nite.

lost ;
4:15 AM

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

yet another day..

1st day back in SP after abt 6 weeks of break. nothing much to be said abt wad happen in sch. its jus class after class. went home and took a nap b4 i was awaken by chris's call. went to my place to play game and copy lord of the ring extended version. den wq last min jio mahjong and so we played one round of mahjong. yd, wq, me and chris. den came the msg. saying that alan's dad had jus passed away. so after mahjong i went to sengkang rivervale for the wake. stayed till ard this time. and going off to sch at 6am later on. so guess i wun be slping.
tml's yet another boring day. or rather later. -.-"!
had thought thurs is a great day. cos i haf no class. but realise i'll haf fyp meetings i think. and attendance will be taken. damn. so looking forward to this thurs and its all spoilt. =/
ok la. going to shower soon. shooed.

lost ;
3:58 AM

Sunday, April 16, 2006

will u?

"wan me to whack u ar" thats the sentence ure saying when im blogging. yes we're on the fone. but i dunno how to get across my msg to u. so i used blogging instead.
im fearing for everything now. fearing the future. wad's past is past.
when im with u, my thoughts run wild. i keep thinking of wad's gonna happen. (bad side). when i look at u, every moment, every second, i know im not gonna let u go. the smile on ur face, the laughter u gave, it really makes me happy. ya, im unhappy this few days. but jus ur smile and ur laughter is enuff to make me feel better.
i know ure not prepared. or at least thats wad u will say to make me feel better. but i so much wan u to be part of my life. becos i know i dun wanna lose u, dun wanna let u go, dun wanna live a life without u. its only yest that i realise this.
the words u gave me, really makes me happy yet sad at the same time. time is nv a factor i could handle. i really hate it. i miss those times.
jus like wad's said.
it hurts most when ure standing jus beside the person u love knowing that u cant haf them/ be with them. yes. thats wad's hurting me. but not the sole reason as to why im sad this few days. alot alot of things are going thru my mind. i wun say its everything abt u. so hope u wun blame urself or wad.
i jus wanna let u know how i feel. the fears get stronger and stronger with each passing day and the start of sch term nearer. im so afraid.
i must say, i am not pushing for an answer. but after i told u how i feel, the only way to end the thing is to pop the qns " will u be part of my life? " . this jus proves again, how contradicting life is. haiz.

lost ;
2:58 AM

Friday, April 14, 2006

vomit can be nice at times =/

got myself drunk the day before. drank at quite a fast speed. lol. yes i din drink alot. i admit im a lousy drinker. -.-
in the end, when i get home, i lie on the bed, everything seems to wanna gush out. and there i go, camping in the toilet. -.-"!
ok. its been days since i blogged. din really got the feeling to blog. perhaps becos im jus too down? been visiting pubs this 2 days. wondering if this is gonna continue? but i din drink yest nite. for her. she hates ppl who drinks. and i din drink. though i must admit i fear the smell of alcohol. esp beers. maybe becos of the vomitting? i dunno.
im late. gotta run. byeee

lost ;
2:21 PM

Saturday, April 08, 2006

now den i realise.

jus found out things which i nv expected to happen. i dunno who on earth wans me dead. ok. the feeling of being backstabbed although its not directly caused by the person involved. that feeling, sux big time. its ok if im alr nv amongst u all. though now things are all in the past, but the fact that u guys once pointed fingers at me. its obvious. now there's another thing as well. i heard someone told me i offended someone. ok, at least i feel that i still joked with the offended person but i dunno why, i offended that person. according to someone. is this some kind of joke played on me?
feeling so victimised.
i have nothing to hide. if i made a mistake, i'd admit it. there's no need to do things behind my back. talk behind my back. right in front of my face. yes. my pimples face. say it straight to me. at least i'd know wad my mistakes are.
for all that i've done, i feel i deserved more than jus being victimised. ok. joel did tell me to not always focus on bad side. but in this pt, im already focusing on the good pts. but i really couldnt find much good pts for me to cover the bad pts.
worse of all, someone whom i loved, is questioning me abt it. ok i shld be honest in the 1st place. but i believe there's no need for explanation when everything is jus a flash of the past. yes im stupid to do it in the past. but does it mean once i made a mistake, im condemned? if thats the logic behind it, does it mean our frens that entered remand prison cannot be given another chance as well?
thats not the way i see things. if ppl who entered remand prison could be given a chance, i dun see why i cant. i know the feeling of being unforgiven. i once made a big mistake. i was nv given the chance to make amends. that feeling is as good as being condemned.
and how does one person define "forget"? is hatred really a form of love? i dun think so. i think hatred is a feeling developed by a sense of betrayal, pack of lies and backstabes. thats how i define hatred. and if ppl is questioning me abt whether i had forgotten my past, i can say no. becos memories are always there. but the feelings, will nv be there. especially ure betrayed, being lied to and being backstabbed. no matter how much a person love the other, i believe, when u encounter such a past relationship like mine, u'd nv be able to take it easy. (sry no offence to the past relationship).
its jus another mistake of mine. tonnes and tonnes of mistakes. unpardonable. thats jus kahlun's life. yes. im being pessimistic again. but can i be optimistic when ppl are pointing fingers at me for almost everything? (here i am not referring to jus the 2 probs i mentioned above)
sick and tired. wad's life? ([L]iving [I]n [F]**king [E]nvironment?)
but at the end of the day, all i can say is nvm. im used to it. and here i am, keeping things to myself yet again. becos i jus cant find a way to unwind. not even when i get myself drunk.
gone.

lost ;
5:12 PM

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

i wanna be. drunk. for once.

jus moments ago, i had the urge to be drunk one day. well. i did get drunk recently, but i know i haven really got drunk. mayb shld jus get myself ready to down a few shots of teq or smth at one go. sure collapse on the spot.
nth much. aint got mood to talk abt wad i think. gd nites everyone. milan vs lyon's coming up nxt.

lost ;
2:32 AM

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

its gone.

realise that i really had lost the ability to voice out on certain things. had once confided in her in almost every little thing. and got a reply that states "u like tell me everything, got also complain, dun haf also complain, arent u tired?" that really made me lose the ability to voice out wad i feel or wad i think.
no, im not blaming her. its got nth to do with her. its jus me. i jus dunno how to voice out at the appropriate time and when not to. some soul searching to be done. lack of confidence. thats how bad a person can be when he/she lacks confidence.
im trying hard to gain back my confidence. my whole lot of confidence when i was younger. feeling so inferior to the surroundings. nv was, am not, but i'll be.
no use regretting or hating wadever u missed out on. i lost the chance that i wanted so badly. no one else to blame but myself. mayb thats why i hate my life so much. but like i said earlier, no pt hating my life. all i can do is to live life to the fullest. i was once labelled as complain prince. but now it seems as though that title is getting further and further away from me.
hmm. guess its jus another inferior entry by kl. shant bother with myself now.

lost ;
3:09 AM

Monday, April 03, 2006

wad's that abt??

wad's the fever or wadsoever thats going on nowadays? i heard from yanlu saying that there's a fever going on that hits 300 ++ sgreans. and stan's one of them! possibly. damn sad. am gonna jus be with her till her work time and den i'll most prob head down to NUH. wonder wad's the visiting time. if they ever dare to forbid me from visiting at certain time, trust me, i'll jus kpkb them. lol. k nvm abt that. am worried abt stan.
gtg shower. bb.

lost ;
1:03 PM