.crushed.

memories within.
; October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006

Thursday, May 25, 2006

heart broken.

the title. says everything.

lost ;
11:11 PM

hate it.

from now onwards, details will only be written in my diary. think i'll jus give a simplified version of wad happens in the blog.
hate it. hate this stupid feeling. the feeling of being unable to help. yes i know im really not of much help. but i jus wanna help. though i admit i might screw it up for u, but deep down, i jus wanna help. jus so simple. dun wish to see u going thru all these. and esp u haf to do it in one nite.
yar. im screwed. dun wish to say wad happened. but i rather i screw myself than see u get screwed. ure future, everything that's gonna depend on u, is so so much more impt than mine. at least thats wad i think.
so how do u expect me to slp? cant slp.

lost ;
1:12 AM

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

nv walk away

if u wan a man that is here to stay , swearing he's forever true. i'll nv walk away. i'll nv give up on u. if u wan a love that will save the day, no matter wad ure going thru, i'll nv walk out on u.

lost ;
4:07 PM

Saturday, May 20, 2006

define drunk.

im lousy at drinking. haha. 2 pints of kilkenny, a bailey's on the rock and a sip of bombay sapphire on the rock. and i vomitted twice. lol. jialat right? damn.
but how do we define drunk? all along i thought, it means a person is not clear minded. but yest i was clear minded except that my sight is swaying here and there.
im sry that i was stubborn. im sry that i nv gave u the chance to speak and insisted things my way. im jus plain stupid i guess.
dun be formal to me. makes me feel as though we're strangers. aint feeling well. legs jellied. came back home to camp toilet. -.-"!
got proj to rush. stress is coming in. i hope i wun break down becos of stress. might be helping out at new harbour if francis wans me to help. alan's recommendations. learning to be a bartender only adds on to my knowledge. isnt that so? haha. if i get to work there as well, i'll be looking forward to it.

lost ;
5:26 PM

Thursday, May 18, 2006

am i or am i not?

am i too sensitive? or issit that ure too insensitive? i suddenly got back this isolation mood again. feels as though the whole world owes me smth. feels as though i dun haf a need to explain.
u make me feel as though wadever i think is wrong. u corrected me when im wrong. but whenever i feel u wronged me as well, i jus feel the whole world owes me smth.

its u who made me see light. its u who made me happy. and its u, ur laughter, everything about u that makes me 4get abt wadever logics i haf.
only god knows how much u mean to me.

lost ;
11:13 AM

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

its been days

quite some time since i blogged. like 5 days back? quite a lot of things happened in this 5 days. rushing stuffs for my proj recently and worked 4 dinner shifts consecutively. so each time i got home, im jus pure tired. aint got time to come online and blog. but now im in sch, lab class, so took some time to jus blog.
am going for driving lessons later. den head back to bg most probably. b4 heading to alan's place to camp and wait for the CL final. wahaha. i'll be on the catalan's side tonite. cheers for ronaldinho.

lost ;
12:39 PM

Friday, May 12, 2006

a memory that jus belong to me and u

i hope i could create memories that belong to jus me and u. nvm abt the past. yes its painful. its disturbing and bothering u and me. but no matter wad, me and u represents the present. i jus wanna create memories that belongs to solely u and me. copyrighted memories. =X
i certainly hope me and u represent the future as well. but certain things, u can nv know wad happens in future. thats why i wanna create memories with u b4 i am gone? haha. i know u read le sure ask me why i say such things. dun wry, its jus a general statement. cos we all wun know wad might happen in future. i jus hope to be given the chance to cherish u. i dun wanna regret again. ever again.
love u. slp early k? gd nite & sweet dreams.

lost ;
11:35 PM

Thursday, May 11, 2006

couldnt care less.

cant be bothered anymore. "cannot lose u" is the only sentence that keeps reappearing in my mind. i haf the confidence of making u happy. i hope u wun deprieve urself of the happiness u deserve.

lost ;
11:42 AM

again.

once again, im brushed aside. nothing new, but the wounds seem so pain. as pain as ever. u said u jus wanna be happy. i believed i can make u happy. but will u let me??
being unable to commit is not a prob. as long as a compromise is struck between u and me, why not? i jus wan u to look at some things from my pt of view. u might think that u cant commit means i haf to "leave". but i may think otherwise.
supervisor's here talking again. meeting again.
4th week. stress's coming. if this goes on, by week 16, im gone.

lost ;
9:54 AM

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

nt feeling well.

went under the rain yest on my way home. drenched. as i arrived at the bus stop, 190 came. boarded the bus as i jus wanna reach home AsAp. regretted that decision as i realised that there wasnt any seats available. so i stood one side. air con was directly above me and though i had pushed it away, i could still feel the cold air blowing my way. nvm abt that. thought 190 could bring me home or at least bt panjang in abt half hr's time. but nv did i expect..........
there was a big rain at orchard. roadsides flooded. traffic jam as it approached peak hours. stuck at scotts road for at least 15-20mins. the water lvl was ard kerb lvl. went past raffles girls school. at the traffic junction near the school, the bus went past the water and voom. water flew as high as a few ger's head lvl. and they went shouting "ahhhh!!!". hahaha. ok. maybe im evil. laughed at them. den as we entered the expressway thru stevens rd, within 5mins of travelling, the bus came to a sudden stop. heard some bang sound. heard from some ppl saying that a bike had collided with the bus im on. thought how sway i am. standing under the cold air already trembling, encountering the bloody traffic jam, i still had to endure such things.
luckily things ended soon. but it took me ard 1hr+ to reach bt panjang. alighted opp bangkit there. and changed to 963 so that i could stop at the bus stop jus below my hse. din wanna walk from zhenghua that side. was alr trembling. reached home and soon, joel came.
starting to feel feverish though the 1st thing i did when i came home was to shower. endured overnite for mahjong yet again. -.-"! so this morning when i got up, things werent right for me. wanted to pay a visit to the doc but realised the plaza clinic changed to part of the UOB bank. -.-"!
went back to school for meeting with the external client. was kinda dozing off in the meeting as i couldnt take it. held another meeting within our grp after that. and went home after that. now here i am, doing nothing. gonna slp soon. wondering shld i call her anot. becos she might haf jus finish work and i dun wanna disturb her jus after her work. worried for her as well. guess i'll jus go to slp and call her tml. gd nites.

lost ;
10:55 PM

Monday, May 08, 2006

i din mean it. i din know. im really sorry.

why is happiness always so short? when im with u, whenever i feel happy, time pass so quickly. real quick. one moment, a whole day's gone. but whenever i said smth wrong, or do smth wrong, u ignored me, a minute feels like an hour.
the feeling of being unable to do anything to save wad i say. i can only blame myself for saying the wrong things. i nv wanna use the word regret. becos i haf regretted too much. mayb i jus dun wanna accept the reality that i once regretted. maybe i jus wanna make myself feel better.
but i really really am sorry for wadever that ive said. i know, saying sorry wun help. becos wad's done is done, wad's said is said.
say till here. tears dropped again. weak aint i ? yea im a weakling. i haf to admit. i regretted. saying those things to u. jus moments ago, we were talking abt quitting smoking. but now, im turning to smoking again. unable to drink at home, i jus cant get the agony out of me. the agony of regrettting. especially saying smth wrong to the person u love, u care.
yet again, im gonna say : "im really sorry. i din mean it"

lost ;
10:52 PM

Friday, May 05, 2006

so confuse

will people really feel secure if the person they like or love assures them that they'll always be in their hearts?
where do i stand den? i really so much wanted to ask u this. but im so afraid of the answers. u gave me the courage to continue loving u. but whenever people around me, cries to me, tells me how they jus lost their loved ones, i feel so scared. so fear that one day i'll "lose" u.
think too much u may say. but the fear in me, can u understand? yes for now, im happy that i can jus see u whenever we both are free. missing u in a way that i can be happy. that's not a bad thing either. but thinking that sometimes u r so near to him yet so far from me, it hurts.
stress is getting to me in jus the 3rd week of my final year project. had a terrible headache yest nite. fell aslp even as joel pestered me to play TD with him.
typing in this freezing room really makes me feel like hugging u. the warmth u give me, no one has given it to me b4. listening to songs that jus dampen my mood further. often listening to the song that belong to jus both of us.
ni rang wo xiang xing wo men you wei lai. bu guan you duo shao cuo zhe, wo yi ding hui zai ni shen bian.

lost ;
5:52 PM

Thursday, May 04, 2006

finally some good news

elated by this good news. im gonna surprise u on end of june. or start of july. not gonna say wad it is. jus a surprise for u. my love. may mean nth much to u. but means alot to me.

lost ;
11:51 AM

a sec to be happy, minutes to recover

it jus takes one second to be happy. but it takes alot of minutes to recover from sadness. jus gone thru a pain in my heart. yea maybe thinking too much again. maybe im partially drunk. but i know one thing's for sure, whenever i think of those things, my heart hurts. very very hurt. even though right in front of u, i may think of that thing, but i try not to show it to u. i dun wan u to see me in that way. i jus wan u to see the happy me.
so i chose to go thru the sadness alone. all alone at home. im sry. cos i promised myself i'd make u happy.
tears rolling down. heart's in pain. unable to slp.

lost ;
2:18 AM

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

that one kiss

a peck on the cheek may be nothing to u. but do u know, it means everything to me? so happy. makes me unable to slp but keep thinking of the feeling. am enjoying the feeling. im jus so into u.
love u.

lost ;
12:59 PM

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

how true?

is everyone able to be their true self in front of everyone? for my case. no. the true me, can only be found when im with her perhaps. maybe because i wanna show the "devil" side of me to protect myself. for fear of getting backstabbed, betrayed or wadever situations u'll get from others.
what about when ppl quarrel? the devil side comes out once again maybe because they're still afraid of getting hurt. because if its a quarrel with someone close, they tend to get hurt even deeper. so they'd say things they nv mean to say. to protect themselves.
so how true is a person right in front of a stranger? of cos not everyone has 2 sides of them. but i strongly feel that i haf 2 sides in me. if there really is, which is the real me? or both are me?
i can only say, when im with u, i feel so myself. really like the feeling of it. but whenever im outside, i haf to face ppl with intentions that's out of my expectations. so sick and tired of those ppl who tries to harm or hurt u. jus wanna tell u, i feel very comfortable when im with u. u make me feel that im really kahlun. make me feel i am who i am. ur presence is able to make me feel bliss. feel the happiness that's beyond my imagination.
in the past, when i miss someone, i only thought of how terrible i feel. but when i miss u, it can be as sweet as sugar. the smiles u gave me, so deeply etched in my heart. everynite's no longer a nitemare. its all but sweet dreams. good nite. =)

lost ;
2:28 AM